Self sufficiency – v – Social Skills

As a child I was very self-sufficient – a ‘loner’. I looked to have one special friend with whom I could share my world when I ventured out into the realm beyond self-sufficiency. These days that isn’t regarded as a healthy option for children who, from nursery school onwards, are encouraged to enlarge their social circles. Putting all your emotional eggs in one relationship as I did time and time again was a sure way to get hurt (as long as that relationship was with another human being).

Looking back down the years, I can recognise how inadequate my social skills were as a child, and although I’ve since learned how to demonstrate love and respect for myself and for other people (which I believe to be at the heart of social skills), it doesn’t always come naturally and even at 53 there are times when I let myself down. Here’s a very recent example from my sojourn in Wingfield Ward.

When I meet someone I take to, I give them a little card with my contact details and blog address as my way of offering the hand of friendship. Few people respond, but one person subsequently offered this conversational gambit:
“I read your blog.”
I was delighted and wanted to know more - but did I say so? Nope. My response:
“Oh, it’s been quite boring lately – degenerated to the level of ‘what I had for breakfast'. Some of the earlier articles were more interesting”
This killed the conversation dead. If I could rewind, I would now respond,
“What did you think of it?” I really would like to know.

Another bad habit: making assumptions. Someone hands me some deeply personal information and (in the words of one of my closest friends) I ‘throw it back in their face’. An example: a person I respect and like spoke of having been adopted and I tossed this into a conversation about parenting. This, I suspect, is me playing the role of psychotherapist – trying to help someone see the link between their emotional past and their present difficulty – and it doesn’t take a huge step from there to realise that it is myself I’m trying to help; trying through another’s life to find the key to unlock the door to ‘freedom’ in my own life. Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth, has a lot to say about ego playing roles and the strife this gets us into. Can recommend it if you haven't read it.

Occasionally though, this child of love gets it right! Occasionally the love and respect I feel for another simply oozes out and I see the difference it makes! Hallelujah!