Monday 31 March 2008

Break-In!

A quiet day at home for the most part, catching up with laundry, etc. Vicky rang – she's got an interview for a permanent job this afternoon and was filling in a security clearance form.

In the afternoon I walked over the allotment and picked the last of the broccoli, and discovered that the old shed has been broken into. Apparently thieves have broken into a number of sheds the past couple of nights and stolen some power tools. Fortunately there's nothing of value stored in the old shed – as they must have seen as soon as they got the door open.

Tonight I'm off to dance class and looking forward to it!

Sunday 30 March 2008

On Top of the World

Vic has now sold the Kawasaki. He decided it was too heavy and cumbersome – not really what he wanted. He was pleased to get back what he'd paid for it and still retain the panniers and top box. The trader he sold it to was also pleased and now has it up for sale with a large mark-up. Meanwhile Vic continues to seek out the bike he really wants – preferably a shaft drive.

Church felt a bit strange this morning – lots of men and children, not many women (they were away on the Ladies' Weekend). Mark preached on the passage in Mark's gospel (Mark6:30-44) about the feeding of the five thousand. He has a way of taking biblical teaching and applying it to modern-day life with real insight and understanding, not withholding the lessons from his personal life. It's great. (His sermons are recorded and available online - email me if you want to check them out).

After the service I went through to the café for coffee and met up with someone I hadn't seen in a while. She had visitors with her, Bryce and Joan, and invited me to sit with them. I really hit it off with Joan – we got deep into conversation and afterwards Joan grasped my hand and told me she would never forget me, which was very uplifting. I felt on top of the world for the rest of the day, and the weather rejoiced with me - warm spring sunshine tempted me out for a gentle walk in the afternoon. Very pleasant.

Friday 28 March 2008

Inner Peace

Today I've been thinking about forgiveness. I've suggested to someone recently that forgiveness is the key to being released from an on-going pattern of frustration. (As usual when I find myself dispensing uninvited advice, I then spent some time looking at my own life to see if I'm trying to tell myself something!)

To anyone who doesn't have a spiritual view of life, who lives very much in the world revealed by our five senses, I guess the idea that an internal decision might have an effect on their external circumstances must seem far-fetched in the extreme. I would say to you in that case, what have you got to lose by giving it a try? No one else need know – just try it in the privacy of your own mind and watch and see if there is a 'release'- a breakthrough, a new sense of freedom – backed up by positive change in your external circumstances.

Click on the link below and it will take you from this page to an external page on the internet with an exercise in learning inner peace through forgiveness – please do give it a go, for my sake - it's painful watching loved ones hurt themselves unnecessarily!

The Power of Forgiveness

Additionally/alternatively, try saying the following affirmations aloud (in private) each time you find yourself feeling angry or frustrated by someone:

"God is the love with which I forgive you, [person's name]; God is the love with which I forgive myself" It may not feel like you mean it at first, but keep saying it in trust and I believe eventually you will be released to the dizzy heights of joy and inner peace

Wednesday 26 March 2008

God Works for Good (Romans 8:28)

I felt challenged before going into hospital to put a couple of prayer requests in for myself. Specifically, that I wouldn't get sick after the operation, and that I would have a private room. The odds seemed stacked against – the last three times I've had a general anaesthetic, I've been very sick afterwards, and the operation was being carried out on the NHS where private rooms are the exception rather than the norm.

The local hospital offers the best of three worlds – it incorporates a Military Hospital unit with military medical staff integrated into the NHS Foundation Trust operating alongside a newly built private wing. (When I attended for pre-op, the young doctor looked extremely trim and smart in her military uniform and had what amounted to a great 'bedside manner' – she came across as very competent, her communication skills achieved clarity without seeming patronising - speaking as to an equal).

Tuesday morning I rang the ward to check there was a bed for me, as per instructions. The nurse told me to come in and the bed manager would sort things out when I got there. Vic drove me down there for 7 am and we were startled to discover the day surgical unit waiting area was already packed to capacity. I suggested he shouldn't hang around waiting.

The anaesthetic was administered around noon and an hour or so later I was in recovery – absolutely no sickness! Blood pressure and temperature were low and I was shivering a lot – the recovery nurse brought along a special re-heating unit pumping warm air under a heat-retaining blanket which felt like pure luxury and soon had me warmed up. There was a temporary glitch in proceedings when they couldn't find my bed – it had been brought down from the ward ready for me to be transferred to from the trolley, but had gone missing. Ironically, it turned out to be in the recovery bay immediately next to mine, with another patient on. Transfer involved a third trolley, but finally I was in my bed and on my way up to the ward, and feeling great.

What a wonderful surprise to discover that my assigned room was in the private wing – a single room with a view and en-suite shower room. It seemed to me that whilst my body was on the operating table, my spirit was on sabbatical with God and he'd upgraded me to first class! The décor and furniture wouldn't have looked out of place in a top hotel – there was a TV/DVD, a self-operated electric bed so that I could sit myself up at the touch of a button, a notice board complete with dish of drawing pins, and a little dish in the en-suite supplying soap, shower gel, shampoo/conditioner and shower cap. A nurse came and offered a drink – and brought me a pot of coffee and packets of biscuits attractively presented. The food was first-rate, too, served on a tray with a paper doily. A nurse explained that the NHS was buying the use of 6 beds in the private unit to enable surgeons to catch up with their lists after the bank holiday.

The atmosphere was pleasantly calm and conducive to relaxation and recuperation. What amazing answers to prayer. Additionally, I haven't felt a need for the painkillers offered, to the surprise of the doctor, and I'm pleased to report the wound looks small and tidy with no detectable loss of contour.

Tuesday 18 March 2008

Mindfulness

Saturday

Vic came with me to B&Q to buy some more bark chippings for the allotment plus some seed compost. The radio was playing in the car, and I became aware of the words of the song: "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for". The words seemed to hold some significance for me by the way they held my attention, and as it was in the first person singular I tried it on for size, inwardly asking if I was looking for something and not finding it. We successfully located bark chippings and seed compost, so evidently that wasn't it!

Over the allotment we were working for less than an hour (him spreading the bark chippings, me picking more broccoli and doing a bit of weeding) before the rain set in. I went to the Site Rep's shed and paid the annual rent, investigated how the water is getting into the new shed, then we came home for lunch. In the afternoon despite the rain I walked into town partly for the exercise and partly to pick up a new squeegee from the bargain store. On the way in I met a lady without a smile so I gave her one of mine – she gave one back immediately. After making a successful purchase, I wandered round a couple of other shops looking for cocktail sticks (Vic uses them as toothpicks) and Topics, until a young man working in the final shop took my attention from the shelves with a friendly 'Hello' and a smile. I returned the greeting and the smile, gave up my search and left the shop to come home. As I walked, I was thinking about how the simple, unexpected greeting had shifted the focus of my attention into mindfulness – in the moment of connection, I had looked into his eyes and encountered God's love. I came away without a Topic or the cocktail sticks, yet fully satisfied. I connected the words of the morning's song with the experience, and smiled to myself, feeling a sense of intimacy with God, as of Him gently teasing me knowing I would enjoy the joke.

Monday

Wasn't quite with it first thing – started doing Tuesday's 'Word for Today', titled 'Conquering Credit Card Madness (1) 'Owning . . . things won't make your life safe.' (Luke12:15 CEV) It quotes Donna F. Savage: "I'm shopping for an experience … to make the occasion memorable … directionless shopping hides the motivation behind spending decisions … A few Hallmark sentiments and a gift card will do the trick … Pizza and a new DVD should bring the family together … contentment slips out of reach with each substitution. Since our deepest expectations aren't met, we keep … spending". I reflected back on my Saturday shopping trip and the delight I had taken in the experience of meeting God unexpectedly in an ordinary encounter.

Received a phone call this morning to go in this afternoon for pre-operative check-up, with a date for the operation next Tuesday 25th March.

Tuesday

We had the next session in the 'Growing in Awareness & Practice' training course this afternoon. The trainer began by reading the following quote:

Mindfulness is what the monastic life teaches us.
It is such a very simple thing to walk through life
with my hands open,
my eyes open,
listening,
alive
in all my five senses to God breaking in
again and again in my daily life.

Esther de Waal

We broke into pairs for an exercise in demonstrating empathy, each person sharing what spirituality (or faith) means to us. The quote had brought Saturday's experience to mind and I shared it with my partner, finishing with the observation that trying to explain it would be difficult. My partner responded wisely that I don't have to explain it, it is enough to tell my story: after all, who can explain God?

Thursday 13 March 2008

Food, glorious Food!

So, today I had the appointment with my GP and he has prescribed a proton pump inhibitor. I also walked into town and reluctantly bought some knickers the next size up to accommodate the extra weight I've perversely taken to carrying around with me. This is NOT my preferred solution, which would be to regain that svelte silhouette of 2006, but I can understand my body's confusion given the mixed messages it's receiving as I chomped on a Topic and two bowls of cereal with rice milk. Yeah, rice milk. That was before I read today's article in the Telegraph about the amount of arsenic found in rice milk.

For lunch I had the lentil bolognese leftover from yesterday. It was really tasty, the fresh basil complementing the tomatoes and garlic perfectly. Garlic breath for dancing tonight – gotta share the good stuff, eh?

This afternoon I drove over to the allotment, arriving just as a fine rain began. First job was to discard some of the potatoes that have been quietly going mouldy to the point that the smell greeted me as soon as I opened the shed door. Then I braved the weather and put in an hour of weeding before the rain really set in. It sort of makes up for the Topic, don't you think? Then of course there's dancing tonight – that's more exercise, not forgetting this morning's walk to the doctor's and back and into town and back. Ah, who am I trying to kid!

Tuesday 11 March 2008

X marks the spot

(Flowers to celebrate our 29th Wedding Anniversary)

Recently someone looked at my ageing walking boots (which I generally wear over the allotment) and said, "I can see you buying some new boots soon". I felt a little touch of joy, and realised I had received it as prophetic – a promise that there is a time to enjoy beyond this present time of hospital appointments. Today, however, brought another hospital appointment, this one with the X-ray department for further mammograms plus an ultrasound scan. The mammograms are to check that the calcifications are still visible. These are the 'x' that marks the spot – before the surgeon operates, a procedure similar to the needle biopsy will take place. Guided by a magnified mammogram, a very fine wire will be inserted into the breast to the area of the calcifications. This wire will be left in place for the operation, so that the surgeon knows which area to remove.

Once the radiographer was satisfied with the mammograms, she sent the digital images to the Breast care clinic, waited until they had finished sending then unplugged the data cable and plugged in the data cable for the ultrasound machine, lamenting the lack of separate data cable and socket for each machine. A lady doctor performed the ultrasound scan with a gent to whom I wasn't introduced stood watching. I'm guessing he was a medical student 'shadowing'. The scan showed some very dense tissue. Dr H_ decided to do a needle biopsy of the area just to 'make sure' – as I was going to have an operation anyway, she felt it made sense to confirm her hunch that this dense tissue wasn't problematical. The needle biopsy performed during ultrasound scanning wasn't as uncomfortable as the previous one performed under mammogram.

That's it for now – I'll hear from the Breast Care nurse soon with a couple more appointments: one to check I'm in a suitable state of health for an operation, when the Breast Care nurse will also explain the practical details such as the type of dressing which will be applied, and the other a date for the operation. Meanwhile I have an appointment with the GP on Thursday to catch him up with what is happening. In the past I've been very sick after operations, and last year it was discovered that I have a hiatus hernia. When I saw the surgeon last week, I mentioned the hiatus hernia and asked if it might explain the post-operative sickness. He felt sure it did and said I would have an opportunity to talk to the anaesthetist about it before the operation, and suggested I speak to my GP to discuss whether it would be appropriate to take a proton pump inhibitor beforehand.

Sunday 9 March 2008

Evening Prayer Meeting

Top of the prayer list tonight was 'Church in the Park', our Pentecost outreach tent meeting. Mark called on Sarah B_ to encourage us with her testimony, which was that she first met with Jesus in a Tent meeting. As Sarah was 6 at the time, she couldn't remember much, but two things had stayed with her: 1) Jesus became her friend. 2) The memory of the lovely woman with a warm smile who really listened to her. I looked at Sarah and realised the circle was complete - what she loved, she had become: a lovely woman with a warm smile who really listens and receives children. We often hear of the 'vicious circle' and there is a Hindu saying, "What you hate, you become". Isn't it great to know that in God's kingdom the reverse is true.

Saturday 8 March 2008

Busy, busy, busy

Writing about the state of the desk in yesterday's blog entry was enough to spur me on to tackle the clutter. A quick flurry of activity once I'd switched the PC off, and 20 minutes later the desk was reasonably tidy, the paperwork up-to-date (most of it filed in 'the round bin') and even the ironing done!

Tonight I'm going to a sixties/seventies themed birthday party. I've dug out a dress I last wore when I was 15. As I write, the yoghurt is draining ready to make a dip with cucumber, garlic, fresh chopped mint and dill, to serve with crudités. I'm also making a lemon cheesecake, but that's for tomorrow's Cell Group lunch. In addition to cheesecake, I'm down to provide 60 roast potatoes but for once I decided to 'cheat' and this morning I bought some frozen roast potatoes. That meant I had some spare time left to go and put in a couple of hours over the allotment, aided and abetted by friend and dance partner, B_. We almost finished preparing the ground ready for the seed potatoes to go in before bad weather set in. In the shed the tubers I bought at the potato fair are looking healthy, but the Foremost 'first earlies' I bought from another plotholder look like they're going mouldy.

Friday 7 March 2008

Precious Minutes, Life on Hold

Earlier in the week I attended the local Mental Health Forum and unexpectedly found myself taking the minutes. I may have mentioned previously having volunteered to become the Minutes Secretary for another group - the local Mental Health Stakeholders Group. The networks and contacts link into each other. Anyway, I took notes at the Forum and transcribed them today. It's interesting how the cancer thing is making me re-evaluate how I spend my time. That, and a presentation on 'Grace' I found on the www.Dabmin.org site, which suggests even doing good works might be wrong in some circumstances.

Meanwhile the desk grows daily more untidy as I add further paperwork to the heaps with little inclination to do anything to clear the backlog. It's not that I don't have time ... just perhaps not using that time as wisely as I could. Have you ever put life on 'hold' - putting things off until a certain event? Today I found myself reading through some old notes, including a plan I'd drawn up for a session on curing procrastination which for some reason was never delivered to the intended target group. All good stuff ... but did I leap into action and put it into practice? Well, what do you think?

Had the final session with the Family Therapy counsellor today - she's very nice. She asked me to keep her informed on how I get on.

Nice - now there's an undervalued adjective. I notice I've been using it a lot lately. I can remember an English teacher (whether one of mine or one of the children's I can't quite recall) banning the use of 'nice' in any piece of creative writing, and demanding 20 suitable alternative adjectives.

At yesterday's appointment the Consultant wanted some blood tests but by the time he got to see me, the haematology department had closed for the day, so I had to arrange to have it done at my GP surgery. I rang at 6 pm yesterday and was offered an appointment a week hence. I explained why it was urgent and was put on hold for a few minutes then offered an appointment this morning at 8.40 am, which was great. The nurse was nice to me Later the Breast Care Nurse rang to give me an appointment for Ultrasound scan. She anticipates being in a position to give me a date for the operation next Tuesday (once the surgeon has had a look at the Ultrasound scan and the blood test results).

The weather was nice today - if I'm totally honest, I think I would have preferred being over the allotment to transcribing notes from a dull Forum. Or better still, dancing! Last night's lesson in the intermediate class was very enjoyable, putting a bit of elegance into the Waltz.

Thursday 6 March 2008

DCIS


DCIS stands for Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, apparently. This means that there are malignant cells but they are still contained within the milk duct. I saw the Breast Surgeon today. He looked at the X-rays and the report from the Jarvis Centre which pointed to DCIS (intermediate stage), explained what that meant and then examined both breasts. He felt some lumpiness which hadn't been previously noted, and has decided to call for an ultrasound scan before operating. It's likely an operation to remove the area will be performed within the next 2 - 3 weeks. If all goes well, I should be fit enough to get back to work over the allotment around 2 weeks after the operation.

Last night at Cell everyone gathered around and prayed for me, which was nice.

Now I'm off to dance class

Wednesday 5 March 2008

It is for freedom Christ has set us free

During the course of an email conversation with a friend, I wrote: 'When you are able to value your own attention and praise for the clever stuff (rather than depending on others to give it to you) ... how would you finish that sentence?'

and received the response
'… I feel like others see me as arrogant'. That fear of what other people will think of us can be a prison – most of us have put ourselves there at one time or another – yet if you think about it, nobody wants to be made responsible for somebody else's feelings in a peer to peer relationship. When we make someone else responsible for our feelings, we're doing both of us a disservice: creating an imbalance in power - making them the jailor and us the prisoner, and thus both are tied when freedom is better.

I know from my own experience that I hold a lot of admiration and respect for someone who is free to express his real thoughts and feelings even though these may be unpopular. I'm not talking about someone who is so without 'normal' social inhibitions that he/she might be labelled a sociopath or psychopath, but more about someone who is truly authentic, about whom you could say, "There is nothing false in him". Another of my friends has a very strong commitment to old-fashioned customer service – he goes 'above and beyond the call of duty', putting in extra work in his own time to help people – and sometimes this commitment to helping people brings him into conflict with his employer when he refuses to toe the company line. As I was reflecting on this, I recognised an element of my own attitude to authority and concluded it is healthy to be reluctant to compromise my own values to conform to something which I think is out of order. The difference comes in our approach – maybe I'm a little more inclined to tackle the task of getting the rules changed so that I can conform comfortably! More on this later.

The chap who led the prayer meeting at Church this week is someone for whom I have a lot of respect and hold in high regard, but Sunday night he asked us to focus on thinking about what our lives would have been like if we hadn't been transformed by the grace of Jesus. This seemed contrary to all I've been taught and didn't seem a helpful thing to do to me, so instead I thought about some scripture:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Galatians 2:20a)

This week is busy. Tuesday morning I helped serve tea and coffee at the Church's ministry to senior citizens, then Tuesday afternoon saw the start of the 'Growing in Awareness & Practice' training course (related to the proposed 'Wholeness through Spirituality' support group). Again I served tea and coffee (and washed up afterwards – looks like those skills are getting polished up ready for helping in the tea-room!). The course is very well-attended – it was supposed to be limited to 12 people originally, but we've got 17 in the Tuesday afternoon group. The trainer pointed out we all bring with us past experiences of being in different groups, and how we are received by others affects how we see ourselves. As I had already been thinking about relationships with authority and authority figures, it didn't take much to step from there to that 'aha' moment of recognising how my childhood experiences affected me. Insight showed me how I learnt to court the approval of authority, to side with the 'higher authority' … and to feel safer when I knew that higher authority was my friend and not my enemy. I didn't care when I used to get sent out of the class at grammar school to stand outside the Headmaster's office, because he was so nice to me. He would invite me in and we'd have a nice chat, and maybe he'd touch my knee … and I felt safe for a while, away from the common herd I've been reading a book by Adrian Plass, and he mentions what a profound revelation it was when he suddenly realised that 'God is nice, and he likes me!'. I mentioned earlier the difference between myself and a friend when faced with rules with which we disagree. Maybe that fundamental feeling that the 'higher authority' will listen and be on 'my side' is what gives me the confidence to believe it's worth taking my thoughts to the 'higher authority' if I think something isn't working and needs fixing.

There is a paragraph in the handout from Tuesday afternoon's course that I want to copy out and pin to my notice board as a daily reminder:


'The gift of being a good listener, a gift which requires constant practice, is perhaps the most healing gift anyone can possess, for it allows the other to be, enfolds them in a safe space, does not judge or advise them, accepts them as they are without desiring to change them, and communicates that support at a level deeper than words.'

We practiced in pairs taking turns to listen, offering non-verbal and para-verbal* acknowledgment/affirmation as the other talked. It was very freeing, not having to find the 'right word' to say, and it brought home to me how often I'm inclined to try and re-frame something to get someone to see it differently, or to offer another interpretation or advice rather than just listening and accepting that person exactly where they are. The idea is that instead of walking on and trying to draw the other person with us (metaphorically speaking), we merely stand alongside and support and accept them where they are until they choose the moment they are ready to move on.



*nods and noises like 'uh huh', 'mmm' etc.

Saturday 1 March 2008

March Winds


What's that old saying, "March comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb" ? I wonder if today counts as lion or lamb - sunny, bright and mild says lamb, but those winds are fierce ...

I like the way Google tweak their logo to reference celebrations, such as the daffodil and the leek for St David's Day. The daffodils look bright over the allotment. I spent two or three hours there this morning. The strawberries were 'duvet diving' - and who can blame them in this wind! When they were planted out, they each had a hole specially cut in the weed suppressant material, with their leaves carefully teased through and the material tucked around to cover the soil, but the high wind has got under the material and lifted it right off the ground. My first job was to put in extra ground pegs to anchor the material and tease the strawberry plants back through. Next I decided it was time to remove the old posts left by the former plotholder, which used to support nets over the cabbage patch. I took hold of one and yanked ... despite my very best efforts, I couldn't move it even a fraction. I began to feel a bit like I was trying to remove 'the sword in the stone' without having the necessary magical quality. Looks like it's a job for one of the boys.

The couple on a plot opposite mine have had two massive tanks delivered, leaving me speculating as to whether they're into hydroponics or maybe installing a couple of sensory deprivation tanks - very intriguing!

I was doing some heavy work (turning the soil over) and it was lovely to come home and be spoiled - Vic cooked us an 'all day breakfast' for lunch - bacon, fried eggs, baked beans, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes and chips. We'll have a salad for tea to make up for it, and I picked some more purple-sprouting broccoli for dinner tomorrow.