Relapse: What went wrong? Retrospectively

Ok, so for nearly a year – certainly since my baptism last November, I have been happily living at home, managing the normal, everyday stuff along with managing the allotment and working with the Mental Health Links. So what was it triggered the relapse?

With Mental Health Links, I've been working on two projects: 1) to get a 'Sunshine & Showers' group launched in Surrey Heath; 2) to find the best way to further the Positive Spirituality in Promoting Mental Health agenda locally. Meanwhile I've been continuing to attend and enjoy Ballroom and Latin-American dance classes on a Monday evening, with my dance partner, Brian, and taking an active part in the life of the Beacon Church – both as a member of a Cell Group and as a member of the wider church. ('Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength and love your neighbour as you love yourself')

On September 1st, we had a barbecue here. It was a glorious day and seemed successful in every aspect – the people (family, my church friends and Vic's work colleagues) who came all enjoyed themselves (and I was complimented on having a gift for getting the 'right' people together). The food was good, there was plenty of it, the conversation flowed, etc., etc. Although beforehand there was a lot of hard work went into the preparation, on the day it all seemed to come together so easily there was no stress involved. Yet by the end of the day I felt the early warning symptoms of another relapse – a strange sense like a shadow coming over me, or of looking at my immediate family and feeling distanced, like an outsider looking in. Talk to anybody about this? No, like usual I thought if I carried on regardless, I'd get back on track. I THINK that I upped the medication to 100mg leading up to the barbecue, recognising that stress might cause a 'blip'. I'd been taking a low dose (50mg) of Quetiapine up until the 30th August. This much I know because I'd recorded it in a diary. But from Friday 31st August through to September 4th I didn't make a note of dosage. When I met up with the psychiatrist on August 30th for the regular review, I was doing fine. Dr P_ introduced a med. student, Barney, who would be with her for a few weeks. At one point, presumably feeling a need to explain why someone as apparently intelligent, normal and grounded as me was seeing her, she turned to Barney and said, "Trish was very disruptive to her family last year". I said nothing, merely smiling at him in a gentle way, as I thought I detected a trace of embarrassment in his eyes when he met mine. In the normal course of events, 'normal' adults aren't subjected to another adult speaking about them in a demeaning manner. But hey, it was true, after a fashion, so I shrugged inwardly and kept quiet.