It is for freedom Christ has set us free

During the course of an email conversation with a friend, I wrote: 'When you are able to value your own attention and praise for the clever stuff (rather than depending on others to give it to you) ... how would you finish that sentence?'

and received the response '… I feel like others see me as arrogant'. That fear of what other people will think of us can be a prison – most of us have put ourselves there at one time or another – yet if you think about it, nobody wants to be made responsible for somebody else's feelings in a peer to peer relationship. When we make someone else responsible for our feelings, we're doing both of us a disservice: creating an imbalance in power - making them the jailor and us the prisoner, and thus both are tied when freedom is better.

I know from my own experience that I hold a lot of admiration and respect for someone who is free to express his real thoughts and feelings even though these may be unpopular. I'm not talking about someone who is so without 'normal' social inhibitions that he/she might be labelled a sociopath or psychopath, but more about someone who is truly authentic, about whom you could say, "There is nothing false in him". Another of my friends has a very strong commitment to old-fashioned customer service – he goes 'above and beyond the call of duty', putting in extra work in his own time to help people – and sometimes this commitment to helping people brings him into conflict with his employer when he refuses to toe the company line. As I was reflecting on this, I recognised an element of my own attitude to authority and concluded it is healthy to be reluctant to compromise my own values to conform to something which I think is out of order. The difference comes in our approach – maybe I'm a little more inclined to tackle the task of getting the rules changed so that I can conform comfortably! More on this later.

The chap who led the prayer meeting at Church this week is someone for whom I have a lot of respect and hold in high regard, but Sunday night he asked us to focus on thinking about what our lives would have been like if we hadn't been transformed by the grace of Jesus. This seemed contrary to all I've been taught and didn't seem a helpful thing to do to me, so instead I thought about some scripture:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Galatians 2:20a)

This week is busy. Tuesday morning I helped serve tea and coffee at the Church's ministry to senior citizens, then Tuesday afternoon saw the start of the 'Growing in Awareness & Practice' training course (related to the proposed 'Wholeness through Spirituality' support group). Again I served tea and coffee (and washed up afterwards – looks like those skills are getting polished up ready for helping in the tea-room!). The course is very well-attended – it was supposed to be limited to 12 people originally, but we've got 17 in the Tuesday afternoon group. The trainer pointed out we all bring with us past experiences of being in different groups, and how we are received by others affects how we see ourselves. As I had already been thinking about relationships with authority and authority figures, it didn't take much to step from there to that 'aha' moment of recognising how my childhood experiences affected me. Insight showed me how I learnt to court the approval of authority, to side with the 'higher authority' … and to feel safer when I knew that higher authority was my friend and not my enemy. I didn't care when I used to get sent out of the class at grammar school to stand outside the Headmaster's office, because he was so nice to me. He would invite me in and we'd have a nice chat, and maybe he'd touch my knee … and I felt safe for a while, away from the common herd I've been reading a book by Adrian Plass, and he mentions what a profound revelation it was when he suddenly realised that 'God is nice, and he likes me!'. I mentioned earlier the difference between myself and a friend when faced with rules with which we disagree. Maybe that fundamental feeling that the 'higher authority' will listen and be on 'my side' is what gives me the confidence to believe it's worth taking my thoughts to the 'higher authority' if I think something isn't working and needs fixing.

There is a paragraph in the handout from Tuesday afternoon's course that I want to copy out and pin to my notice board as a daily reminder:


'The gift of being a good listener, a gift which requires constant practice, is perhaps the most healing gift anyone can possess, for it allows the other to be, enfolds them in a safe space, does not judge or advise them, accepts them as they are without desiring to change them, and communicates that support at a level deeper than words.'

We practiced in pairs taking turns to listen, offering non-verbal and para-verbal* acknowledgment/affirmation as the other talked. It was very freeing, not having to find the 'right word' to say, and it brought home to me how often I'm inclined to try and re-frame something to get someone to see it differently, or to offer another interpretation or advice rather than just listening and accepting that person exactly where they are. The idea is that instead of walking on and trying to draw the other person with us (metaphorically speaking), we merely stand alongside and support and accept them where they are until they choose the moment they are ready to move on.



*nods and noises like 'uh huh', 'mmm' etc.