That ain't the way to do it!

Amongst the books recently donated for the church library there is one called 'How do you say "I love you"?' ( by Judson Swihart) I was reading it today and came to a paragraph called 'Love is listening' (p.41):

The place to begin, then, in meeting emotional needs is to determine what those needs are. The very attempt itself is a powerful expression of love.

Purposefully, I put the book down, folded my glasses and put them in their case and looked at Vic, innocently eating an orange. Do I know what his emotional needs are, I wondered. We'd just had a conversation planning Sunday - he would drop me off at church with the books, then come and pick me up afterwards and we'd drive straight from there to Bristol to have lunch with Vicky. I'd suggested he could come in to church with me, but he'd declined, saying he might want to go out on his bike. Hmmm.... I thought .... there might be a clue here to his emotional needs, so I asked a question. Not a nice, simple, open question that might have led naturally and organically into a conversation. Oh no. The segment of orange paused on its way to his mouth. "Why do you have to analyse everything?" he demanded. I chuckled and read the quote above, explaining I really hadn't meant to make him feel like he'd been put under the microscope. I was trying to determine his emotional needs, and the attempt was supposed to make him feel loved! You know, sometimes I can be pretty smart ... other times ... well, I'll leave it to your kindness to finish that sentence for me.

The book does make some very valid points, eg p79:
Second, as a friend of mine puts it, 'You get good at what you practice.' If you practice expressing lots of critical and hostile feelings, you will become good at it. All of us have seen people who have practiced criticism so much that they could make the first eleven if negativism ever became a professional sport!


It's not just being critical of others that is a problem, in my view. Some people I meet express critical, hostile feelings towards themselves - they are by far their own worst critics, and would do well to learn to be their own best friends. I have learnt that if I wouldn't say something harshly critical to my best friend, it's wise not to say it to myself.